In the world of online dating, a new term is often used today to denote unacceptable behaviour. The latest? Bookshelfing'. In other words, warming someone up online for a date that then doesn't happen because they are 'too busy'. Sex dating is also quite exciting, it's something different, I would love to have a regular sex partner.
People who meet online and find an understanding with the other person often see the live date as the next step to a possible relationship. But if a date does not materialise despite numerous attempts, or if a planned date does not materialise because 'there are too many things to do at work', it may be that one of the two does not feel like going out.... Today, this behaviour has a name: 'shelving', which means 'to lie on a shelf and wait'. It simply means pushing someone away with an excuse. Once, twice or more.
According to relationship expert Rika Ponnet of Duet Relationship Mediation, this problem occurs in all forms of online communication. "The phenomenon occurs in online dating, but also in friendships. Often everything happens via text message and it is because of this type of communication that sometimes things are quickly undone. It is much easier to send a lie (for your own good) than to tell it,' it reads. Whether it's not feeling well or having to work overtime: according to Ponnet, we are all guilty of 'socially acceptable excuses' from time to time when we don't feel like doing something and don't want to hurt the other person's feelings.
It becomes problematic when we often rely on these excuses, because they can be a sign of procrastination. "If we look at the dating world, there are people who panic as soon as something becomes real. They then wonder if they want to go out or be in a relationship. One can try this excuse 1, 2 or even 3 times in extreme cases, after which people drop out. Trust in the other person's word crumbles. So you do not necessarily become more suspicious, only more cautious. You are less willing to open up and this is not a good breeding ground for establishing new contacts without problems.
"There is no point in reacting defensively. For example, don't say: 'If you don't like him, you can tell me right away'. Try to contact him/her if the other person cancels the appointment with a plausible excuse. Propose a new date immediately: it is possible that the man or woman has a busy schedule. The secret is to make it concrete again quickly. You can also take it with humour and make a joke about how his or her boss looks like a slave driver in your eyes. If there is an escape, it cannot hurt to get out of the idea of reaching an agreement. Take a relaxed approach to the situation, but if a date is put on a leash, it is better to jump to conclusions.